Advice Column: Gay Man Seeks Guidance on Mother's Opposition to Same-Sex Parenting

By Abigail Shrier

*March 19, 2026*

*(Photo by Bromberger Hoover Photography/Getty Images)*

A 30-year-old man from Philadelphia writes to columnist Abigail Shrier about his mother's reluctance to support his plans to raise children with his male partner, citing her religious beliefs. Shrier responds with advice on navigating family differences.

Dear Abigail,

I am lucky to have a mother and father who have been active and loving parents throughout my life. They were not the type of parents to “phone it in.” They cheered for us on the sidelines at our sporting events, attended our plays and performances, and appreciated us as individuals.

The one struggle I’ve had is that my mother seems incapable of accepting my sexuality as a gay man. I came out over a decade ago, and while it was a bumpy ride at first, it felt like we had made progress in the last few years. However, when I shared with her that I want to have a family one day with my current partner, she told me that she didn’t believe two men could raise children.

This is despite the fact that I make a great living, have a committed relationship with my partner, and am eager to be a dedicated and loving parent to my future children. She’s also expressed several times that she longs to be a grandmother, so it felt particularly painful to realize that she doesn’t want grandchildren from me. When I try to address her resistance, she invokes her faith as the reason for her struggle.

I know having two dads is different from a dad and a mom, but I’m confident in the life I could provide for my future children. And while I want my children to have a close relationship with their grandparents, it’s hard to imagine that will be possible if my parents don’t even believe in my ability to raise kids. What do I do?

—Chase, 30, Philadelphia

Chase,

Your letter details a longstanding family dynamic marked by your parents' active involvement in your upbringing, including attending your events and supporting you individually. You came out as gay more than 10 years ago, with recent signs of progress in your mother's acceptance. However, when you discussed future plans to start a family with your current male partner, your mother stated that she does not believe two men can raise children effectively. She attributes this view to her religious faith. You note your stable career, committed relationship, and desire to be a dedicated parent. Your mother has separately expressed a wish to become a grandmother, which adds to your distress over her position.

Abigail Shrier, the author of *Irreversible Damage*—a book examining rapid gender transitions among youth—and *Bad Therapy*, which critiques certain mental health practices, responds to such letters in her column. In her reply to Chase, Shrier observes that individuals at age 30 often seek full endorsement from parents for life choices, including tentative plans for parenthood. She notes that Chase presented hypothetical family aspirations to his mother, prompting her candid feedback rather than unqualified support.

Shrier points out that parents, including those described as consistently supportive like Chase's, may express reservations about adult children's decisions. In this case, the mother voiced discomfort with the prospect of a grandchild being raised without a mother figure. Shrier characterizes this as a common parental concern, distinct from professional platitudes.

Research provides additional context on outcomes for children raised by same-sex parents. A 2015 review by Cornell University's What We Know Project analyzed 79 peer-reviewed studies published after 1977 on this topic. Of those, 75 concluded that children raised by same-sex couples show no significant differences in emotional health, behavior, cognitive development, or academic performance compared to children raised by different-sex couples. Four studies found minimal differences, none indicating worse outcomes. This empirical consensus, drawn from scholarly sources, contrasts with concerns rooted in personal or religious beliefs, such as those expressed by Chase's mother.

Shrier acknowledges that parental worries often extend beyond sexual orientation. Mothers, she writes, frequently concern themselves with children's delayed decisions, mismatched partnerships, external judgments, or perceived personal shortcomings—issues that arise regardless of orientation. Examples include fretting over unmarried status, unsuitable partners, career underutilization (such as not using a law degree), or traits like resilience or emotionality.

She suggests that such disappointments are inherent in parent-child relationships due to parents' deep investment in their children's futures. Parents may hold expectations related to marriage, career, appearance, work ethic, religiosity, location, or even gender and orientation—views that can feel unrealistic or insensitive to the child.

Shrier advises Chase not to interpret his mother's statements as intentional harm. Instead, she recommends focusing on independent decision-making at age 30, without requiring parental validation. Adults, she argues, proceed with life choices even if they risk parental disapproval. This includes pursuing marriage, parenthood, or other goals based on personal judgment and values instilled by upbringing.

Studies also indicate potential consequences of familial rejection for LGBTQ+ individuals. Research from organizations like the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University has documented associations between parental rejection of a child's sexual orientation or family plans and elevated risks of depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicidality among LGBTQ+ adults and youth. These findings underscore the emotional stakes in such family conflicts, though individual experiences vary.

Shrier addresses the pain of the mother's expressed desire for grandchildren conflicting with her stance on Chase's plans. She posits that the mother might harbor unvoiced doubts about the partner or could soften her views upon observing a stable family. Regardless, Shrier emphasizes proceeding with life autonomously.

"You live your life, Chase," Shrier concludes. "Make the best decisions with the values and judgment your parents gave you. If you choose to build a family, form the best one possible." She expresses confidence in Chase's potential, noting that if issues arise with parenting or family relations, he could seek further advice.

This exchange highlights tensions between personal aspirations, familial beliefs, and broader societal data on family structures. Chase seeks to balance his parental relationships with his vision for fatherhood, while his mother's faith-based perspective leads her to question same-sex parenting capabilities. Shrier's counsel prioritizes adult independence amid unresolved differences.

The column, published by The Free Press, appears weekly and addresses reader-submitted dilemmas. Previous installments have covered topics such as relationship timelines and readiness for parenthood. Readers can submit letters for potential publication.

*Word count: 1,412*

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